It’s the most wonderful time of the year: the holidays. If you’re reading this, I’m out of work right now, and that’s great. My brain happily stopped thinking about video games, video game articles and people playing and reading both. I am free. Free last. Until January.
But taking a day or two off also means filling the site with an almighty amount of pre-written content. The wheel keeps turning, no matter what day of the year, and as a humble worker bee, I am happy to have the obligation Game informant CMS never had a need for listicles.
So what should we rank this time? Really, it could be anything. We don’t think too much into these – they are fairly low, medium to high returns. You just have to come up with a few good buzzwords – something at least a few thousand people will click – throw a few hundred words at it, and you’ve got yourself a list. Usually, you want to theme it around something trendy to monetize good SEO or Twitter trends; something a lot of people are looking for or talking about.
I got it! Here are our top five video game characters that will be getting coals in their socks this holiday season.
5) Nathan Drake – Series Uncharted
Everyone loves Nathan Drake; he’s one of the most iconic heroes on Sony’s ever-growing list of triple-A games that are mostly boring to play. He’s handsome, funny, charismatic and if you haven’t seen him Indiana Jones movies, he seems to be a completely unique and original character.
But beneath the surface of everyone’s Drake lies a deep and dark secret.
He really is a serial killer. Stage = Stage. Shoot straight. The whole point of the game Uncharted is that Nathan Drake and his group of funny idiots go to another country, kill some valuable zip codes of the people, then steal the ancient artifacts of the place. direction. In an environment rife with reprehensible behavior, Drake is truly a special case here.
An easy argument in Drake’s favor is that he never kills the good or the innocent – or at least not intentionally. I guess if you’re doing Olympic-level mental exercise, it’s okay to kill thousands over the course of a short decade, as long as they’re “bad”.
That does not excuse the looting of a country’s historical artifacts. This is absolutely appalling, and Drake should be tried by the United Nations for crimes against human history. Our knowledge of the art and technology of ancient civilizations has been pushed back decades by this guy trying to make a quick buck. Until Naughty Dog releases a DLC in which Drake returns these artifacts to their legal country, I refuse to take that studio seriously as a video game narrator. I’m sorry, I know it’s harsh, but as the series is now, I just can’t get past this irresponsible story.
Nathan Drake is a horrible person. You can tell me about that. Put the coal in the person’s storage.
Post-scenario: Have you played Uncharted 4? Drake is also a terrible husband, good God.
4) Trevor Phillips – Grand Theft Auto DRAW
He is also a serial killer.
3) 97.39845-percent of all characters in modern triple-A games
They are all serial killers! I don’t want to get involved in politics here, but I don’t think serial killers are on Santa’s “Nice List”. Sorry, but that’s just the way I was raised.
Now look, I don’t endorse the idea that video games cause real-world violence – it’s a harmful idea provoked ad nauseam by right-wing experts who both all ignore actual research and treat video games as an art form. Nor am I saying video games are too violent. I like violence. You can tell me about that.
What I’m saying is, as we’re looking at this list – and believe me, a lot of considerations have been made since I started writing it seven minutes ago – if we were to choose the characters like Nathan Drake and Trevor Phillips for their propensity to commit mass murder, we must also blame all other similar video game characters. If we want video games to be taken seriously as a medium, then we must be willing to criticize the art form we love, hold to higher standards and expect better from it.
Here’s why I’m here to say: 97,39845-percent of all characters in modern triple-A games are getting coals in their socks this year during the holidays. Too many bad guys out there on your local GameStop shelf overcrowded with guns, swords, bombs and the like. Unfortunately for all of them, this year Santa will be skipping their homes.
(Full disclosure: Game informant owned by the GameStop corporation, however, our parent company does not have the details of the rankings or reviews included in this article)
2) Cloud Strife – Final Fantasy VII
As my colleague Jason Guisao says elegantly:
first) House The Mouse – Daze Before Christmas
If you’ve made this list, then this should come as no surprise. Of course, this year’s most overlooked video game Santa is Louse the Mouse from Funcom’s hit 1994 Daze Before Christmas.
I know I’m preaching to the choir here – everyone says this all the time – but Lice is a little mouse. Play on words full plan. This young son of a gun has the audacity to tear through the world’s Christmas presents, casting a curse on all gifts. I swear if I could get my hands on Louse the Mouse myself, for what I’m going to do, you better believe there’ll be coal in my inventory this year. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil.
Rat lice are a threat to society and a threat to the holidays. And so he earns the top spot on our list of video game characters most likely to get coal in their sock.
Is our list accurate? It was! No need to leave a comment this time; We got it right. Have a nice holiday!
