The 3 biggest signs of ‘passive-aggressive’ and ‘childish’ behavior: Harvard body language expert
We’ve all had to deal with passive aggression at a certain point. Your boss raises an eyebrow in disdain when you speak or a friend cuts you out of the conversation at a group brunch.
But the lines are often blurred. I’ve definitely struggled with this myself that’s why I spent most of my time career at Harvard study body language and communication.
I always recommend taking the high road, rather than return fire or be hostile. Here are three signs of passive-aggressive or childish behavior and how to cope effectively:
1. Extremely concise
You send your boss an email asking, “Should we go ahead and schedule a meeting with this prospect?” – and they respond with a curt, one-word answer like “yes,” “good,” or “OK.”
Some people just like to give short, to the point answers. But if you notice that they mostly react this way to you and not to other people, this level of brevity could be a sign of passive aggression.
How to respond:
- Ask clarifying questions: “Thanks! What date and time work best for you?” or “Is there anyone else I should invite?”
- Keep calm: Don’t bite. Focus on the present and avoid acting defensively.
- Use humor: Humor is a great way to relieve stress. You might say, “If we hadn’t turned them into customers, at least we’d have a free corporate meal!”
- Gently solve it: This can be useful in some cases. The intent is to show genuine intent and a desire to be understood: “I feel you might be upset with me. Is this true?”
2. Slow response
Silent processing can show up as delayed emails or messages, or even ghosting behavior.
Taking on these actions can cause what I call “timing anxiety,” the intense anxiety we feel when we find ourselves wondering about all the possible meanings behind them. after slow responses.
Unfortunately, there’s no quick rule, and it’s hard to know for sure if someone is using silence as an act of deliberate gentleness or it’s just an oversight.
How to respond:
- Don’t jump to conclusions. Unless it’s important for you to get a reply as soon as possible, remember that you never really know what someone is going through. Maybe they have a lot on their plate, or are dealing with personal problems.
- Send a gentle reminder: Some people really forget, so a follow-up message can be helpful: “I know you’re busy. But when you get the chance, I’d love to chat about this.”
- Switch to another communication method: If you followed up twice with no response, try sending a work DM instead of an email. Or go to their office if they don’t answer the phone.
3. Change from official language to official language
If you’re texting and emailing someone and they change their tone from informal to formal, it could mean they’re trying to assert authority.
A similar situation could be a friend suddenly becoming cold or detached from their language over text. For example, go from “Yea, that sounds interesting!” to “Sure, anything.”
How to respond:
- Don’t automatically assume they’re mad at you: It is easy to come to the conclusion that you are being disqualified, but that is often not the case. In fact, their behavior may have nothing to do with you.
- Contact by phone, video chat or in person: It can be difficult to decipher how a person really feels through digital communication. Take a cuter approach and explain the source of your anxiety. Don’t apologize or accuse. Just be honest and ask for clarification. This will help you build trust and connection, regardless of distance.
Erica Dhawan is a Harvard researcher, keynote speaker and author of “Digital body language: How to build trust and connection, no matter the distance.” She is also the founder and CEO of Cotential, a company that has helped leaders and teams leverage collaborative skills. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericadhawan.
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