Experiences like these are common, but they’re not stories of sexual assault – we agree freely, without fear of violence and often with a coveted “yes”. After all, asking young men to be mind readers seems unrealistic and unfair. Everything went according to the script. Why then, do we experience sex we don’t want? And why do we have no way of talking about why we do it?
College students today often become sexually active with too little instruction available to them – furthermore, perhaps a lot of pornography. There is some evidence that teenagers are wait longer to initiate sex and when they do, they will less than casual sex. Consent education is intended for young people who are inherently anxious and inexperienced and provides them with a simple, binary understanding of sex. It’s no surprise that many of us have absorbed the message that sex is a straightforward transaction and that there is little room for complicated feelings – and that we are confused when we experience complications that are not possible. escape that sexual intimacy brings.
In 2017, Kristen Roupenian wrote about her not very pleasant romantic encounters viral short story “Catman.” When a professor of mine assigned it as part of a feminist philosophy class, my classmates and I were encouraged – for the first time in college – to evaluate sexuality outside the box. agreement. Our professor asked us if what happened in the story was right or wrong – and whether the characters themselves deserve the moral blame. When a student began re-reading a familiar argument for enthusiastic, verbal consent, our professor stopped her. She wanted us to think beyond legal definitions and Title IX training courses, and examine the question of sexual ethics for ourselves.
A new mindset has emerged – one that allows questions like: What obligations do you have to your partner? Can you hurt someone for which you are not to blame? Is sex… special? The whole class is divided on the answers to these questions – that’s the whole point of asking them in the first place.
While consent is essential, when it dominates our discussions about sex, we don’t learn enough about our power to do more than reject or approve advances. We don’t learn what we owe our partners beyond simply not committing a crime against them. And we don’t learn to navigate the complexities of loving – and making love to – another person.
The best sex is emotionally rewarding as well as physically rewarding. This requires trust, both in our partners and in ourselves. When we trust ourselves to know what we want and have the language to articulate those desires to others, sex becomes more than just a common transactional experience by today’s standards. Instead, it’s fun, playful, and intimate. Appreciating each other as equals – not just as consenting bodies – forces partners to recognize our moral obligations to each other, namely to care for others’ pleasure as well. means care about their dignity.
