But when metrics take the place of self-worth, it’s easy to fall into the trap of giving away precious parts of yourself to serve an audience that craves more and more.
Capturing my darkest moments started out as the only way for people to truly understand me. In 2018, I impulsively released a video of my struggle exhausted, which included intimate footage of my emotional breakdowns. Those breakdowns are, in part, the product of severe anxiety and depression from pursuing exactly the same success that many other teenagers aspire to.
My burnout video didn’t end my career; it caught my attention even more, from both the broader YouTube community and the mass media. Sharing it means I’ve been seen for real, but it also means I’ve created a product from some of the most devastating moments of my life. Then I felt pressured to constantly comment on problems in my private life that I didn’t know how to fix.
However, I continue to make videos. Looking back, the videos I made during that time lacked the spark of passion that was key to my success. It started to feel as if I was playing a version of myself that I had grown up with. I am entering adulthood and trying to fulfill my childhood dream, but now, in order to be “mainstream”, I have to become the product that I have long posted online, as opposed to the person I am growing up with.
Online culture encourages young people to make themselves a product of the age when they are just beginning to discover who they are. As audiences become emotionally invested in a version of you that you develop faster, it becomes impossible to keep the product you create relevant to yourself. dilemma. Online personality change is something few people succeed in, so most are too scared to risk their livelihood and try. Not changing brings its own challenges – stagnation, dishonesty, burnout. The instability brought by adulthood often makes this career path short.
As has happened to many people, the pandemic marked a turning point for me. There was never a definitive moment when I decided to quit YouTube, but in a year, i don’t post. In the end, I know I won’t be back.
Sometimes, I barely realize who I used to be. Although part of me resented that I would never be able to forget her, I was also very grateful to her. My YouTube channel, despite all the trouble it gives me, has connected me with people who want to listen to me. stories and prepared me for a real opportunity in a directing career. Last year, I directed a short film and am writing a feature film, which has shown me new creative ways without compromising my privacy.
