I have lived my whole life in fear of revealed secrets. No more
My Christmas went from bad to worse. My friend who was supposed to be coming for lunch on Christmas Day emailed her saying she was so worried about Covid that, even if I took the test, she wouldn’t sit inside. Let me remind you that I live in North Yorkshire. I ordered food from Riverford.
Then my ex, who I was supposed to meet in London, texted me saying he had just had a booster shot and wasn’t feeling well. As someone who is always rebellious, and he never goes anywhere, I told him I was surprised when he rolled around.
‘How did this become a problem for me?’
‘It’s not. It’s a matter of the day. You don’t take public transport. You don’t exercise and you smoke. I am more worried about getting lung cancer. ‘
When I started this column 22 years ago, I was cautious and kept to myself. I want readers to like me. To show off: my first column was about buying wide leg jeans at Dolce & Gabbana. At first, I didn’t write about the fact that I lied about my age. That I’ve shrunk my breasts. I hid my money troubles for years. I told my managing editor that I was going bankrupt, but not my readers; I was too embarrassed.
But then I thought, well, I shouldn’t write a column unless I tell you something confusing. So I told you I only have £3 in my account. I told you I don’t think women should have IVF on the NHS: you’re not sick, you’re just unlucky. I wrote that I was sexually assaulted in elementary school. I wrote about animal cruelty, meaning my house was shot.
I have documented what it feels like to lose everything. I wrote that my Gracie collie destroyed my stuff, squeezed a walker (who then tried to blackmail me) and killed my cat. Just before Christmas 2021, I revealed that I hadn’t been sober at Christmas for two decades.
I think it’s important that I tell you something else. I have not received a Covid vaccine in any way or form. I had Covid early and recovered in two days. If I’m in a room with everyone, I have to do a PCR test. I ordered a vaccine, but that’s when I got very dizzy. I’m not allowed to drive, and the vaccine center is, crazy, 20 miles away in the middle of the moor. I was terrified about my vertigo and read that vaccines could make it worse. I also believe that delicate dirty cloths do not prevent transmission. As a deaf person, the mask interferes with my hearing – anything near my hearing aids causes them to sound a whistle. Masking on others means I can no longer read lips.
I wrote an email to a friend of mine who won’t be coming for Christmas lunch now, saying she needs to live her life, not cowering in fear. Then I deleted it. What she does is up to her.
Then my ex sent this: ‘Kill all vaxx antis. Mutually beneficial. ‘
I replied: ‘I have not been vaccinated and I will not. I’m anti-vax for me. ‘
We had an argument the last time he came to see me in North Yorkshire. He was unable to complete a short dog walk due to what looked like a ‘slope’.
I told him because continuing to smoke meant his arteries were constricting in his legs, making walking painful. He was so angry that I said he should stop smoking and at least be able to walk, he called me with the C-word and stormed off on a long car ride back to London, tired.
How is that more responsible than me to not get stabbed? You can kill someone with your car. You could die from a stroke.
All of which makes me wonder how many couples have broken up, broken friendships, and lost jobs because of your illness. I have lived my whole life in fear of revealed secrets. No more. No more.
8 1/2 Stone, Liz Jones’ debut novel, is available as an audiobook on Amazon and Audible. Coming soon to Spotify, Apple Books and all regular stores
★ Everyone is talking about Liz Jones’ Diary: Podcast! ★
Join Liz and her trusted (longtime) assistant Nicola as they dig through her weekly YOU journal diary and delve into the archives to reminisce about bankruptcies, react bumpers, bullets… and more in this great podcast. They are frank, outrageous, and utterly hilarious. Listen now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts and mailplus.co.uk
