There is no such thing as perfect parenting. That is the relieved perspective of Becky Kennedy, aka Dr. Becky—who considers herself “a clinical psychologist turned disruptor in raising children supportive space,” she said Luck. Have effective However, parenting. “And the key to effective parenting… is what I call strong leadership,” she said.
Her solid leadership model, taught through her coaching company good insideIt’s all about helping parents understand the roles they and their children play, and how to help their children build the skills they need in life. “Not just to improve behavior but to actually become successful and fully functioning adults,” the mother told her 7-, 10- and 13-year-olds.
Kennedy emphasizes that an important element of this type of parenting is preparing your child for a future of resilience, confidence, and success. And you do that by “optimizing your child’s long-term resilience,” she says.
Here, Kennedy explains how to maintain this approach in everyday parenting.
Choose your battles wisely
“There are times when I optimize my children’s short-term happiness,” Kennedy admits. “I’m a human being and sometimes I think, ‘You know what? Okay, let’s have ice cream for breakfast.”
But she stresses, in some cases, parents need to be “long-sighted,” meaning it’s important to think about your child’s future — and they may be living more years apart from you than they do. will be with you.
“I believe the stakes are only getting higher,” she said. “I also believe that the greatest gift I can give my children is the ability to handle difficult things – having the skills to deal with what life throws at you and knowing that you can get through it. difficult situations.”
Kennedy believes it is what gives children “greater progress in life” than anything else. “Life is difficult… And our children don’t get the skills to overcome difficult things as a birthday gift. They don’t get them from reading a book. You acquire them through practicing those skills over and over again.”
Don’t always fix things for your child
Finding difficult situations that can teach your child about resilience doesn’t have to be difficult. “You don’t need to insert difficult moments—they can’t solve the puzzle, they’re having trouble with math homework, they weren’t invited to the party,” Kennedy says, illustrating how they coming up with a regular clip, every time.
What’s hard, however, is not jumping in to fix difficult moments for your child, whom you hate to see struggling or feeling sad.
“If I optimize comfort in the short term, I fix this,” Kennedy says. And by doing that for your kids, she says, “they start struggling to find solutions right away.” In other words, “Their body said ‘I was left out of a party; My mother threw me a party bigger than that kid’s birthday.” ‘I can’t solve the puzzle; My dad finished it for me.’” And making that entrance creates your child’s expectations about the world, she explains.
“Fast forward many years and if this were a habit then when my child’s flight was delayed, my child, at age 25, would call me in anger, hoping I would personally rebook them on a other flights and pay for them. do it, because their body is saying, ‘I have a problem and my parents provide an immediate solution.’”
Instead, consider allowing your child the opportunity to work through the difficult parts and find their own solutions. “Learning how to fight is very important. That’s how you find success,” Kennedy said. “The better you fight—not in a toxic way, but the more you stay in the moment of struggle—the more resilient you can be. And so I see that as a guiding principle.”
Here’s how to wire for resilience
“I hate things that aren’t actionable,” Kennedy said. So, she offers two ingredients that can help parents instill resilience in their children whenever they encounter difficulties: Validation and competence.
With validation, you first acknowledge that your child is upset. And you can do that by just saying “Oh, that sucks.”
“Oh, that stinks” is the least used parenting phrase, she says. “My parents always expected me to say something super sophisticated. ‘Oh, the smell is so bad. Oh, that’s the worst'”, but still gets the job done.
Next should be the “reflection ability section”. That’s when you say something to the effect of “’I know we can get through this.’ My child cannot solve the puzzle. ‘Oh, you’re right. This puzzle is really difficult. I just know if you take a deep breath, you can persevere.’ That’s what gives a child long-term resilience, she says, “as opposed to short-term instant gratification.”
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