Sports

Former Patriots lineman crashed car to avoid Belichick’s wrath


Ohrnberger is rich

Ohrnberger is rich
image: AP

In the barren wasteland that’s sports in August, there’s only baseball and speculative NFL stories to write about. And since we just wrote about Aaron Judge and he didn’t get elected on Friday night, we have a football chat for you. Today’s anecdote stems from former New England Patriot strike line manager Rich Ohrnberger, who was so worried about having a good reason for oversleeping to practice that he legitimized the car accident cover. by actually having an accident.

Because of his unfounded fear of Bill Belichick, he chose… well, I’ll let him tell it as he did on his radio show.

“I woke up, my phone was dead after the night, and I realized that I was waking up to the sound of a bird, not my alarm. I am frantic. I don’t even look at my watch, I know I’m late.”

“I’ll be officially five minutes late, and I’ll be driving 15 minutes early. I’ll be 10 minutes late for today. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach like, ‘I’m about to be cut. [Belichick’s] there won’t be me on this football team coming tomorrow. What do I do?'”

“I saw a church van in front of me burning up and black smoke coming out of the exhaust and I thought, ‘I’m going to hit this car. You’d better pay for the insurance than embarrass yourself for being late to a Patriots team meeting.”

As someone who accidentally slipped onto the porch while running late to take my sister to school, I wish I had the resources to intentionally play with obstacle cars to avoid getting dressed by my mom, let alone Chi is the craziest coach in the history of the NFL. Belichick really had to strain himself at Foxborough. His players aren’t just willing to run through walls for him; they will literally take traffic to stay on his list.

Also, for those asking about premiums: Would you rather eat some money off your car insurance bill — or pay out of pocket with your generous NFL paycheck — than lose respect? of the sport’s most demanding father? If I were the driver of the St. Stephen, it can be a bit jarring to have someone snap a picture of his mistake before I get out of the car, but they believe in good Samaritans and so on.

Honestly, careening into a junker church van wasn’t a bad idea — even if it sounds like a recipe for a lawsuit. Who among us hasn’t made regrettable decisions trying to earn/keep a dream job? I’d cut off a nipple for the right gig. (Don’t fret, my man boobs remain intact. Not lopping off flesh for an industry that’s going to be 95 percent athletes in five years.)

Rich Ohrnberger, if I had stars or some kind of fake accolade to hand out, you’d get one.

And now what I almost wrote about…

Occasionally, ESPN breaks the fourth wall. If you don’t recite lines from the 2004 cult classic “Dodgeball,” you probably don’t get half of my jokes — in addition to having no idea what ESPN the Ocho day is. The Mothership run some sports competitions rarely seen on ESPN 2 on Friday in honor of one of Ben Stiller’s iconic works.

Along with wiffleball, tag, air hockey and what’s known as a quad ball, there’s the Slippery Stairs world championship.

First Slippery Stairs World Championship | ESPN 8: Ocho

Even if it sounds like a Wipeout knockout, a knockout of a Japanese game show, I can respect the hustle. At least it’s something to laugh about while eating wings, drinking beer, and trying to build a story during your break.

I mean, anything that gives me the opportunity to quote Cotton McKnight, White Goodman and Co. all good for me.

“Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? Probably not. No, but I do anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste.”

No, not the quote you’re thinking of. Sorry, since I’m so public, I thought I’d go with the B side.



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