“What makes people run away from home? People flee from war, hunger, violence, extreme poverty, and even adventure or love. I left Lebanon. I’m really in danger of being killed because I was born in the wrong body, and want to talk about it.
When I was nine years old, I looked at myself in the full-length mirror, and I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a girl’s body. I identify with my five sisters. I think I am one of them. I love playing with them; I wore my mom’s clothes when I spent time with them. I hardly spend any time with my brothers.
Beaten and rejected
When my father saw me like that, he beat me. He hit me so hard with a stick that I passed out, blood coming out of my ears. Another time he stabbed me in the arm, and I still have a physical scar.
What you see is not who I am: I am Leyla
He never accepted me. Even so, I’m a girl. I knew it then, and even though I’m a father today, I still don’t feel like a man. I’m stuck in my body. I don’t want a beard. What you see is not who I am: I am Leyla.
It’s not been easy, this choice, this life. I was mercilessly bullied at school. My father even tried to expel me. He kicked me out of the house, and I had to work for a living just to finish school.
Then there is the university. You would think I would find some tolerance there. I didn’t – same story: bullying and discrimination, bullying and discrimination. I know that education is the key to success and tolerance. And education is like forbidden fruit to me. The more they try to hinder my growth, the more I want to use it to pursue my goals.
Cover
After college, I worked in the media and kept my identity a secret. Little by little, I started to recognize more people like me. During the day we communicate through secret signs, but at night I hide my beard, put on a wig, and enjoy the feeling of being free, just being myself.
I married a lesbian to appease my family and we have two beautiful children
Despite some precious moments, life is complicated. Very complicated. I married a lesbian to appease the family, and we had two beautiful children during our seven-year marriage.
In the end, I decided to stop denying who I am and work for our LGBTQI+ rights. I connected with others in that community and became an activist, blogging, and running an LGBTQI+ website.
So I was there. Despite all the hardships, double life and taboos, I had a really good life in Lebanon: I had a house, a nice car, a good job, friends and wonderful kids. great…and trouble is coming to me.
‘Men come to kill me’
One night I was at home when I heard screams from outside and knew someone had come to kill me. My life was a sin and worthy of death, in their eyes. I jumped from the balcony and ran away.
I didn’t take anything because I just wanted to avoid getting caught and killed. I arrived at the airport at 3am and was in Istanbul before dawn.
When I arrived in Turkey, I felt inspired by the freedom that LGBTIQ+ community members enjoy in society. They gave me hope that I could be the woman I am. I made new friends and started wearing nice dresses, putting on makeup, and hanging out in the city with them. However, despite the solidarity in our community, in the wider society, I have faced discrimination and hate speech here that I have faced in Lebanon.
© IOM Turkey / Begum Basaran
Leyla with a twelve-year-old son and a thirteen-year-old daughter.
‘Mother and father’
Then two good things happened. First, 6 months ago, my ex-wife helped with all the paperwork for my children and my sister brought them here, and now they live with me. I am their mother and father.
Second, I contacted a center for migrants due to IOM, this has helped me with legal issues, such as getting my kids to school and getting regular health care. They even helped me get a job in an Arabic restaurant.
I want to live like myself without worries. And again, I have to thank IOM for helping me
Life is stable, the panic is over, I have a baby with me. However, this is not the end of my journey. Turkey for me is generally good. I want to live like myself without worries. And again, I have to thank IOM for helping me get a foot on that path.
I went to the provincial immigration office for an interview, and after two days I was granted conditional asylum. I have not received any further information about resettlement.
Standing by
I’m waiting. I’m not sure where I’ll end up. I think it would be good to move to an English or French speaking country because those are the languages I speak.
I would like to end by saying that discrimination is completely unhelpful. There is no benefit to it. It achieves nothing. It causes damage to people as well as damage to society.
For me, that made me stronger, and now I have a new family: the LGBTIQ+ community. However, it’s not just my community and my family. It is my life, and it is the symbol of my identity. And one thing I know for sure, We are all born equal, and we all deserve to be treated that way. ”
