Even though the NBA season is about a month away, it still feels redundant to write about Ben Simmons. He never plays basketball outside of (I assume) heavily edited Instagram videos, and he is still being discussed publicly. He may have had his basketball skills drained from his body by Nerdluck, and we don’t know.
His latest bit of self-promotion/delusion is an appearance on JJ Redick’s podcast “The Old Man & The Three,” where he answers a lead question while it’s triggering. I wish Simmons only answered the question with one word – “yes” – like he probably would because what else would he say when asked: “Do you feel like you lacked the ability to shoot… magnified. great because you were in Philly? ”
But I guess we all had a bit of a chat after a few glasses of chardonnay, and Simmons felt the need to talk about a city that would love it if he hid their names.
Have you caught that yet? It’s almost a throwaway line – “I feel like I’m still a part of Philly.” If I were Redick – or more likely the bearded guy on the left who inevitably turns his hat after the presenter shows up with a creepy look – I’d have to stop the podcast right there. The guy who will take my breath away with my Albariño. Still a part of Philly? What Earth are we on? Did I awaken the multiverse? Where is Kang?
While I had to listen to the entire podcast to know the follow-up question, one can only assume that it’s some form of polish that makes up the majority of new media projects. I barely keep up with the old media, I don’t have time to get sucked into their self-absorption.
What was it about the original software that made NBA players fall in love with them? I enjoy a beautifully thin glass of Riedel as much as my next oenophile, but I find it a better accompaniment to Oregon pinot and chewy steak than a piled-up reflective plate. Nobody, and I mean nobody, thinks they’re more interesting than an NBA player after half a bottle of wine.
Please tell us more about the trials and tribulations when the jumpsuit is so damaged that you won’t even be able to take it off. Simmons is not someone who is not very welcome in Philly when he is disparaged. This is a script by Boston-Roger Clemens. The least JJ can do is inform Ben that he should definitely let a member of his entourage go get Dalessandro, or else he’ll catch a bottle of Yuengling in the back of his head.
Simmons did not appear in one of the few seasons where the 76ers could have won the title, and then left the team the following year. Still a part of Philly? Still. Individual. Of the. Philly? STILL A PART OF PHILLY?! It’s too early for this. It’s too early.
Where was Ben’s handler during the recording? Greg didn’t turn over the memo about two drinks max?
Redick should have done what retired players used to do and passed on his craft as Hakeem Olajuwon did with Dwight Howard. Hopefully this trend will go the way of the (say) closed Dream Shake summer camp, and the crying contests that I guess will double when the content becomes complete in 2022 like High Noons or Jack Harlow.