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Am I selfishly wanting more from life?
Q I have been married for 25 years and have two sons aged 19 and 13. My husband had a stroke a few years ago and this left him with a lifelong disability and severe mental impairment.
As you can imagine, my whole world was turned upside down. I took care of him at home for a year and now have a full-time carer, which allows me to regain my life and, importantly, spend time with my children – as my husband cannot leave the house.
I started hanging out with my girlfriend more, going to the gym (which made me stronger) and working out. I feel and look better than ever and have renewed passion and confidence, even though I battle guilt every day. I feel very sad because I lost all love for my husband and dream of finding it again with someone new. But then I felt guilty because I knew I wasn’t in a position to suggest anything other than a sexual relationship right now. I am 49 years old and still full of life and starting to think more about this. Am I selfish? Should I accept things the way they are?
ONE This is a tragedy for all of you. Your world has truly been turned upside down – you have truly lost a husband and your children are their fathers. A purely sexual relationship can be very frustrating because it just helps remind you of all the parts of your marriage that you’ve lost: emotional closeness, support, and love. of your partner in life.
Chances are, even if it’s just sex in the beginning, you can fall in love. But actually, I don’t think you should feel guilty trying to find love again – not just sex, but a relationship as well. The condition is very bad and ongoing and you may need your partner’s support to help you deal with unresolved stress and grief. Of course this won’t be easy. Your husband’s family may find it very difficult to deal with and of course your sons may be angry at first as they may see it as a betrayal by their father.
But as long as your husband remains well cared for and a priority in your life, I believe your sons will learn to accept it as long as it is done carefully and skillfully. Your husband himself sounds as if he lacks awareness of many things going on around him, so he will just need to know that you have a friend that you see. I know that some people will find my advice controversial because of our commitment to supporting our spouses ‘in sickness and in health’. But I know in my heart that if I were toppled and completely changed by a stroke when my husband was in his 40s, I would absolutely not want him to live a hopelessly lonely life for the rest of his days. again. . It is too much to ask of someone.
I wish her ‘tiger lady’ would come back
Q Our 16 year old daughter wants to choose art, psychology and math for her A level. She’s always been passionate about art, but my mother-in-law is very appreciative – a true ‘tiger lady’ – and says it’s a total waste because there’s no profession in it. She is a doctor, as is her son – my husband. He was initially supportive of our daughter’s choice, but his mother displeased him and now he is also asking if our daughter was wasting her time. I think this is also starting to affect our daughter, who is saying that maybe she should just do art as a hobby. But I think she will regret giving up art. How can I help her choose instead of letting her choose?
ONE It sounded like someone wanted a third doctor in the family. But I agree with you – since your daughter is passionate about art, she might regret it if she gives it up. While for some, choosing their A-level and degree can focus on their future career, for others, who may not know what they want to do long-term, they are more likely to excel in a subject they love than in one they think they are. they have to do. Her ‘tiger grandma’ sounds very domineering, so it’s best for your husband to tell her gently to get her to back down. Also remind him that students choose certain A-levels because they feel they may be more likely to drop out or have to retake the first year of a sixth form or university. Then they often move on to the topic they wanted to work on in the first place. Your daughter should be able to get good advice from her sixth form head or Careerpilot.org.uk
Source: | This article originally belonged to Dailymail.co.uk