There are rare parents who have never lost their temper and scolded their children. Also rare: parents don’t feel bad about scolding their children after doing so.
“All parents know that yelling is not the best way to solve things.” Laura Markhamclinical psychologist, raising children coach and mother of two said Luck. “Parents often regret it after yelling.”
She says it’s natural — but not worth worrying about, because beating yourself up about it won’t help the situation.
“It only works when it does compassion for yourself, because when you beat yourself, you cannot actually do better. It just makes you feel worse about yourself and more likely to scream,” she says. “Every parent will at times lose their temper and yell at their child. It’s not the end of the world. That is only suitable for human territory.”
It’s only when you continue to scream, even though it’s ineffective and potentially harmful, that problems can occur, she says.
Here, experts present the three pillars of parenting without speaking up.
Understand that yelling can cause lasting damage
“There is some research that suggests the effects of yelling can be worse than hitting a child,” says the adolescent psychologist. Barbara Greenbergmentioned a study of middle school students at the University of Pittsburgh also found that maternal verbal aggression was associated with social problems and negative self-perceptions. “It really is an emotional experience abuse.”
Other learn found that, for teens who experienced harsh verbal discipline from parents — including yelling, screaming and verbal humiliation — it was associated with behavioral problems. vi and depressive symptoms.
“Children form internal scripts that play over and over again in their minds throughout their lives,” Greenberg says, emphasizing how being scolded can have a negative impact. “I don’t think parents always realize how important their words are.”
Furthermore, Markham, author of Peaceful parents, happy children, Yelling is not effective parenting in the long run. “We know that yelling at kids at this time is completely effective, so we’re going to offer that to parents,” she said. “But it works through fear.” And while it may get kids out of the house on time, it doesn’t help them develop their thinking abilities. prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for attention, inhibition, complex learning, and emotions—so children can learn to manage things on their own.
“As soon as we raise our voices and yell at our children, they can certainly follow suit, but it has all these unwanted side effects,” she says. One is that it makes you, the parent, “not a safe person.” And your kids, she says, “don’t forget that,” whether they want to come to you in the middle of the night after a bad dream or tell you about a bully at school.
According to research, children whose parents don’t yell do better in every way — they feel closer to their parents, are more willing to open up, and behave better, Markham says. Meanwhile, she added, “Children whose parents yell are more likely to experience anxiety or depression when they are teenagers,” she said. “So it’s just motivation to help parents who are struggling with this, because it’s a very difficult problem to solve.”
Take some time off for your parents
“Parents have the right to pause and think about what is happening, even if you have to leave the room to regroup,” Greenberg says. That rest — think of it as a parental break — will benefit both you and your child, she says, because “you’ll be less active and less agitated” while it helps Your child has one minute to calm down. , too.
But what if you, like many of the parents Markham has worked with, don’t even notice that you’re screaming?
“At some point, you will notice that you are screaming,” she promises. “You’ll see the kids look at you with pain in their faces…and you’ll realize, ‘Oh, my God, I’m scaring them.’ Most parents would feel embarrassed at that moment. And then they would scream twice as much—‘Well, they don’t listen’—and then scream some more.”
But instead, it’s important to stop right then and there—even if you’re afraid you’ll “lose face,” she says, explaining that what you’ll actually be doing is “modeling self-regulation.” adjustment”, which is an excellent skill. to pass on to your children.
“As soon as you realize you’re screaming, take a deep breath. You can’t apologize at that point…but you can keep your mouth shut and walk away. Take a breath. Shake your hands out, splash some water on your face,” she says, explaining that by changing your reactions in these ways, you send a signal to your body that it doesn’t need to stay put. fight or flight mode.
“You breathe and you notice what you are feeling. What you are feeling is anger at the time, but in anger there is always the same threat,” of failing as a parent—whether it’s because you can’t get your kids out the door on time or you leave them online too long.
“And once you allow yourself to feel those emotions, you don’t need anger as a defense against them,” she says, emphasizing that it’s all about choosing to change energy at that moment. “Imagine the calmer, wiser parent inside you. Some parents say: ‘I choose love over fear’…or you can imagine having an angel on your shoulder who is your wisest and they want the best for everyone in the situation. that scene. That parent reminds you that your child is just a child. They are not trying to make your life harder.”
Connect and redirect
Once your nervous system is calmed, it’s time to connect with your child — by apologizing for being loud, Markham says. “You just go in and fix it,” she said, calmly adding, “’but I’m serious, we need to go. Currently.’”
And in case this makes you concerned that your child won’t learn a lesson, she says: “When your child has an excitable nervous system, they don’t learn well…so you have to step back place of safety and connection before anything can be taught to them.” In fact, Harvard University’s Center for the Developing Child, establish Exposure to situations that cause persistent fear and anxiety (such as screaming) can even interfere with how children learn and develop over the long term.
So when you’re calmer, maybe after that dentist appointment you were afraid of missing, “You say, ‘Wow, being 10 minutes late doesn’t feel nice. They were pretty angry with us because it messed up everything in the dentist’s office… I was embarrassed to be 10 minutes late. I wonder what we can do next time so that doesn’t happen?’” Markham suggested. “They will have ideas. And then you’re teaching, because you’re in a good position with them.”
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